This page is deicated to Joker Jeff and Martin Harding.
Old Boys and Staff are invited to submit their contributions for this anthology of jokes.
Viagra:
It won't make you James Bond
...
submitted by Pjf
on 2025-10-02
From Jason Manford:
Manchester has Islamic weather - it's either Sunni or Shiite
submitted by Tony Lyons
on 2025-07-28
I was playing Golf with this Yorkshire fella. He drove off fantastically well off the first.
I said "nice Tee shot"
He said
submitted by Jonny V
on 17/06/03
Some from Peter Kay:
1. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange
a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
2. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire
in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat
it.
3. So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest
to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
4. You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
the night
before and shoot the fox.
5. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her
up, I said
"Did you get my drift?".
6. So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
7. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
pull a fast
one".
8. So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
9. So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said
"How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
10. But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to
pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
11. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it
was
Wedgie Kray.
12. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with
a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked
for
a-ROMATIC duck".
13. But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition
and I won a
year's supply of Marmite......... one jar!
14. So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness".
15. You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
catholic
converter.
16. So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller",
he said "Not you again".
17. So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov (world chess champion) and
there
was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
18. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
19. Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
Goran,
even he's a witch.
20. And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,
he's
bisatchel.
21. So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I
said "Are you two an item?"
22. So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
I
thought "That's a turtle disaster".
23. Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
want your
type in here"
24. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't
start anything"
25. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is
this
some kind of joke?"
26. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
food in
here"
27. Dyslexic man walks into a bra
28. A seal walks into a club...
29. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint
please, and one for the road."
30. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
31. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting
in an open foyer."
32. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
33. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain, they
name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also
had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've
seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."-
submitted by Barney Booth
on 06/06/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by AA (the Old Master)
on 23/05/03
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by Harry S
on 21/05/03
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by chunky
on 21/05/03
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by FJM
on 17/05/03
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by smithy
on 17/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by sponge
on 14/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by Eddie
on 14/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by richard
on 13/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by spike
on 13/05/03
A bloke had pestered his girl for weeks and weeks to have sex "doggy style".
She constantly refused.
One night they were on the way home from a party and she was somewhat tipsy.
"You still want sex doggy style ?" said the girl.
"Yeah", said the bloke rather suprised.
"ok", said the girl,"we'll do it in this street where nobody knows us."
submitted by RM
on 12/05/03
My mate came round the other day just as I had finished swatting some flies.
"Well thats 2 male flies and one female got rid off," I said.
"How do you know what sex they are?" said my mate.
"The two males were on the beer can and the female was on the phone."
submitted by RM
on 12/05/03
One for the animal experts:-
What's a Shih-Tsu?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 12/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by Nellie
on 12/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by PVF
on 12/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by Denny
on 10/05/03
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
submitted by joker jeff
on 10/05/03
Why did the Chicken cross the road?
submitted by HR
on 09/05/03
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
COLIN POWELL
Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.
MUHAMMED SAEED AL-SAHAF
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was crossing. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
submitted by MR. & MRS. TWEEDY
on 09/05/03
Try this optical illusion:
http://home.mn.rr.com/t1camp1/Focus.swf
submitted by really bored in the pub
on 14/04/03
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.
Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.
Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.
Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.
submitted by Andrew McHugh
on 29/01/03
What does DNA stand for?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 17/12/02
Heard about the dyslexic devil worshipper...
submitted by pjf
on 16/12/02
Three cannibals apply for jobs on a Local Health Authority.
The Health Authority has a few doubts about their suitability...
... but applicants are scarce and they decide to shortlist the three.
Somehow the interviewing panel manage to get around the usual restrictions on questions about race, religion, sexual orientation, gender etc and ask about their eating habits.
The cannibals each give an assurance that they would respect and not consume their colleagues.
To cut a story short, all get a job(as I have said applicants were not overly forthcoming).
A year later, it is noticed that one of the secretaries has gone missing.
A few casual inquiries...
It appears she was last seen in the company of the three cannibals. A committee is convened to address the matter.
Eventually the cannibals are confronted with the obvious and they actually admit all:
"OK we ate the secretary. So what's the big deal? We've been eating the managers all year!"
submitted by PJF
on 01/12/02
HU'S ON FIRST
> > >By James Sherman
> > >
> > >(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
> > >George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
> > >Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
> > >George: Great. Lay it on me.
> > >Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
> > >George: That's what I want to know.
> > >Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
> > >George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
> > >Condi: Yes.
> > >George: I mean the fellow's name.
> > >Condi: Hu.
> > >George: The guy in China.
> > >Condi: Hu.
> > >George: The new leader of China.
> > >Condi: Hu.
> > >George: The Chinaman!
> > >Condi: Hu is leading China.
> > >George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
> > >Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
> > >George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
> > >Condi: That's the man's name.
> > >George: That's who's name?
> > >Condi: Yes.
> > >George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
> > >China?
> > >Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle
> > >East.
> > >Condi: That's correct.
> > >George: Then who is in China?
> > >Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >George: Yassir is in China?
> > >Condi: No, sir.
> > >George: Then who is?
> > >Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >George: Yassir?
> > >Condi: No, sir.
> > >George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.
> > >Get me
> > >the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
> > >
> > >Condi: Kofi?
> > >George: No, thanks.
> > >Condi: You want Kofi?
> > >George: No.
> > >Condi: You don't want Kofi.
> > >George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And
> > >then
> > >get me the U.N.
> > >Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
> > >Condi: Kofi?
> > >George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
> > >Condi: And call who?
> > >George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
> > >Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
> > >George: Will you stay out of China?!
> > >Condi: Yes, sir.
> > >George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
> > >Condi: Kofi.
> > >George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
> > >(Condi picks up the phone.)
> > >Condi: Rice, here.
> > >George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should
> > >send
> > >some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food
> in
> > >the
> > >Middle East?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 28/11/02
One night a guy goes home to his girlfriend's home. They are about to kiss
each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of
confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says
to her: "Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need
be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take
his hand off the intercom..."
submitted by Ian Nuttall
on 01/11/02
A couple are lying in bed when the man's thoughts turn amorous. He snuggles up close to his woman and begins fondling her gently. The woman pulls away saying "I'm having none of that tonight, I have a gynaecologists appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh".
The man turns over feeling rejected. After about five minutes, he turns over again and whispers in the woman's ear, "You haven't got an appointment with the dentist........!"
submitted by Ian Nuttall
on 24/09/02
Roy-Keenian Rhapsody
(To be sang to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody)
Mama, just kicked a man.
There's a screw loose in my head,
Because I tried to break his leg,
Fergie, the seasons just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away!
Forlan! Ooh -ooh - ooh,
Makes me want to sigh!
We'd score more goals with Sid James or Kenneth
Williams,
Carry On, Camping,
The whole teams just in tatters.
Too late, my crime is done,
Tried to mangle Alfie's spine,
Now he's aching all the time,
Goodbye M1ck McCarthy, I've got to go,
Got to leave the squad behind, 'cos I'm a t**t!
Veron! Ooh -ooh - ooh
He doesn't seem to try,
I sometimes wish he'd never been bought at all.
(guitar solo)
(Opera Section)
I see a little packaged sandwich filled with prawns, LAURENT BLANC! LAURENT BLANC!
HE'S JUST SLOW, OLD AND USELESS!
Brown & Neville fighting, very very frightening
indeed!!!
WHERE IS RIO ?,
Where is Rio?,
WHERE IS RIO?,
Where is Rio?,
Because Laurents far too slow! He's far too
slow-ow-ow-ow-ow.....
I'm just a head-case, nobody loves me!
HE'S JUST A HEADCASE, WALKED OUT ON, HIS COUNTRY!
SPARE US THE WHINES FROM HIS GAFFER IF YOU PLEASE!
Here it comes, Open goal - Forlan must score.
HE WILL NOT!
No! He's simply got to score!
HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
No! He's simply got to score!
HE WILL NOT, NEVER, EVER SCORE!
NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE, NEVER, EVER SCORE.........
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
Oh where is Rio? where is Rio ?
Has he really stubbed his toe ?
Beelzebub take the Nevilles from my side, Oh Please ?
Oh Please, Oh Pleeeeeeeaaaase?
(Guitar riff)
So you think that I punch refs and spit in their eyes?
Would I kick Alan Shearer and leave him to die?
Oh baby, Even though I seem crazy,
I'm Roy the Red, rich, thick and madder each year.
(Slow bit)
All the guys I've clattered.....even poor Alfie!
Now I've got a Court case...........I just want to
kick folk, you see ?
Tell me where did Mick go
submitted by Barney Booth
on 10/09/02
Bloke getting fed up with his Mrs.
He's sitting there reading the paper and she says,"You don't talk to me anymore."
He replies,"What you talking about woman,I told you to shut up 5 minutes ago!"
He continues reading paper and gets to classified section.In the personal column he sees...
I WILL DO WHAT YOUR WIFE WON"T.
He thinks,"fuckin' brilliant!I'll call that number right now."
Half an hour later there's a knock at the door and it's the hooker.
"You promise you will do what my wife won't",he asks.
"Absolutely,whatever you say honey."
"well ,here's 50 quid,will you please leave me!"
submitted by Roy Mannion
on 02/09/02
An inflatable boy, attended an inflatable school with Inflatable teachers. One day he decided to take a drawing pin into school.
The Head teacher got him in the office..........
submitted by Jonnie V
on 19/08/02
IRISH BAPTISTS
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is
in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for meself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drink the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he come in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic.
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Six surgeons were discussing their favourite patients.
The first said he especially enjoyed operating on poets and artists. "When I cut them open, they are filled with beautiful colours and the operating theatre is bathed in their light."
"No, I prefer accountants" said the second. "Everything inside is neat and orderly and all the parts are numbered."
"Librariarians are my favourite" said the third.
"Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth responds "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour-coded!"
The fifth says "Personally, I prefer engineers. They always understand when you have a few bits left over at the end."
"You're all wrong" says the sixth surgeon. "The best are lawyers. No guts, no heart, no spine. They only have two parts - their mouths and their rears and both are interchangeable."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
The Fenchman
In an unlit train compartment there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap was heard.
When they left the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought –
"That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me, and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thought –
"This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him".
The Frenchman thought –
“That Englishman put his hand on that blonde, and by mistake she slapped me".
The Englishman thought –
"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A young girl joins a convent as a novice and after a few weeks (after having a fling before joining) finds out she's pregnant and doesn't know what to do.
So to hide things, as she is getting bigger - she keeps wearing bigger habits.
However, in the end as her time was getting nearer and she is really worried, she confides in 2 other young novices and when it is time for the birth, they help her deliver.
What am I going to do with it she said - I just cannot put it out on the street?
One of the young novices said - I have an idea --- You know how the Mother Superior likes a little tipple before going to bed at night, when she's asleep we'll put the baby in with her and she'll think its an immaculate conception. So this is what they do.
When the Mother Superior wakes up the next morning and looks down and sees the baby she cries ---
Holy Mother of God - you can't even trust your fingers these days!
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Blondes..........
A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey,you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before
you tell that joke, you should know something:
1) The bartender is blonde.
2) The bouncer is blonde.
3) I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde, she's a weightlifter; and
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Juniorand the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his
donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.
Peter's,not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you
must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm", say the girls, "But, I wonder what's further up?".
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow!" say the women.
"Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!"
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 chocolate bars at time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
***********************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the
one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
**********************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...MATHS
Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
***********************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
***********************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR
Little BILLY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out," Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
Miss Jones replied, "Now, BILLY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go."
Little BILLY thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
***********************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON.... GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving
herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?"
The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll
ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon
entering the room, he observed his daughter making
passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping
trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?"
The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my
son-in-law."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
The Geography of a woman
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old) but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady # 1 says: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as
we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need
to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell
me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama ... he used
words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big
event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after
dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the
boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.
"I'm REALLY going to give it to this girl," the boy tells
the pharmacist. "I intend to plug every orifice in her
body at LEAST twice!!" The pharmacist, with a laugh,
suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for
you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows
his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass and still no
movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his
head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy
turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
f**in pharmacist!!"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec City, when I decided
to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so went
into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice
from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort
stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway,
I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb
questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just
like you I am driving east?"
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right
back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the
questions I am asking you. Bye!"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Marriage...a Man's Perspective
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was... Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your
willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? ----this one is the
truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday -----MEN, this is the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it
cost to get married?"
And the father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting
on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot",
"Holy sh1t", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and
answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this - how do you
hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked. I wrap my penis around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English,
can't you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion. The bloke looks
at the £200 price tag.
"Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me
for £20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathises, and he's insightful.
The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from
work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssst" and motions him over with one
wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about
your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a see-through black nighty and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what
happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up
her nighty and began kissing her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick
her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!"
"F*** knows, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Ooops! Wrong number.
Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy," .... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool..... but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled
across an
old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The
genie said "OK so you released me from the lamp blah blah blah,
but
this is the fourth time this week and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get one wish."
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm too scared to fly and I get very
seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there?"
The genie laughed a replied, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the
Pacific? Think of how much concrete... How much steel!!! No think of
another wish."
The man agreed and tried to think of a really good wish. He said,
"I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said
I don't care and that I'm insensitive. I wish that I could understand
women. To know what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, to know why they are crying, to know what they want when
they say "nothing"..."
The genie interrupted - "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his Volvo to an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, with "Top o' the morning."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So, what are those, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" enquires the Irishman.
"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.
"Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Volvo think of everything"
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The
little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West
to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road,
they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop
for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk
hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and
demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him
$350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking
to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then
explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and
a huge conference centre that were available for the
husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the
man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could
have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best
entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to
any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well,
we have them, and you could have," the Manager
replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man
replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is
unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager. The
Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But
sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the
Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and
you could have."
submitted by Andy M
on 03/07/02
Between the ages of 13 and 18,
a woman is like Africa: virgin and unexplored.
Between the ages of 19 and 35,
she is like Asia: hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45,
she is like America: fully explored, breathtakingly
beautiful and free with her resources.
Between the ages of 46 and 56,
she is like Europe: exhausted but still has points
of interest.
After 56 she is like Australia:
everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
submitted by Tony L
on 01/07/02
how do we know Ronaldhino has the world's biggest knob?
submitted by Jonnie V
on 21/06/02
SURE FIRE WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE A WOMAN
1.When asked if something is bothering you, you reply "No".Then get pissed off when you are believed.
2.Become attracted to someone because he is out going and loves parties, start dating him and immeadiately expect him to stop this behaviour.
3.Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for an evening.
4. Whine.
5.If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement:if he is trying to sleep, it's because he's lazy.
6.If he pays attention to you he's smothering you.
7.If he gives you space, he's ignoring you.
8. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers etc. These are required gifts proving his love.
9.Any woman who so much looks at your boyfriend is a whore and your network of friends must be informed immeadiately to spread this as quickly as possible.
10.Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anthing other than catering to your needs.
11. Declare PMS at any given time.If he knows about your cycle, tell him your irregular from all of the stress of your life.
submitted by Barney Booth
on 17/06/02
Four guys are bragging at their sons.
"My son" says the first "started out washing cars at a dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son" said the second,"started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son", said the third started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends £1,000,000 in stock!"
"Well," the fourth guy said, " my son's turned out to be a bit of a dissapointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million pounds in stock for his birthday"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 17/06/02
A blonde , a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"hey, girls," says the brunette, " let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know"
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gradening done, the redhead goes to the bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
submitted by Barney Booth
on 17/06/02
Jesus was out of work and goes to the job centre.
He gives the girl his work experience details and she inputs them into the computer.
She has 2 jobs to offer - firstly a carpenters job in Jerusalem for £2,000 per week, and secondly a carpenters job in Glasgow for £200 per week.
JC decides on the Glasgow job to the surprise of the girl:-
"Why are you going for the glasgow offer when the other job pays so much more money?"
submitted by S.Law - credit to FHM
on 06/06/02
What goes stiif after two strokes?
submitted by Phil Howells
on 03/06/02
Bloke gets shipwrecked on desert island with Kylie Minogue.
She's not keen on him , but after 3 months without sex decides to sleep with him. Everything is great and they are resigned to never being rescued.
One day he was really down and Kylie asked him was there anything she could do to cheer him up.
"I really miss my mates and I guess I'll never see them again. If could dress up as a bloke,just this once, you'll make me a very happy man."
Kylie dressed up and painted a false tash and sideys on and walked off down the beach.
As she approched the bloke beagan to scream " George, George, is that you? Is that George from the Horse and Jockey? You'll never guess who I've been shagging"
submitted by Jonnie V
on 07/05/02
Prince Charles visits a geriatric ward.
Charles:"Hello, Do you know who I am?"
Patient:"I'm not sure, try looking at the board over your bed. If you can't read it, ask the ward sister she'll surely remind you."
Some more Tommy Cooper one liners.
"Two fat blokes in a pub,one says to the other "your round"
The other one says " so are you, you fat bastard"
"Cos' it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go "Aaaaaaaaaaargh" and everyone just stares at you. Do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in."
"So there I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great,the world's your oyster, go for it"
"So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaaah"
I said "Why?"
"He said "my dog died" "
"So I went home, and my phone was ringing.
I picked it up and said "who's speaking, please?"
And a voice said "you are, of course"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 01/05/02
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Lada?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 15/04/02
What has Princess Di got in common with the Queen Mother?
(respec')
submitted by Jonnie V
on 08/04/02
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a huge
crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so
to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope,
"Do you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him.
Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every
Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not
wanting to be out done by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he,
considers what he could do.
"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with just one
little wave of MY hand I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go
crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak
of this day and rejoice."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.
"One little wave of your hand and ALL Irish people will rejoice forever?
Show me."
submitted by anon
on 11/03/02
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach it."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the study light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the study light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power ... A power failure? Aha, OK, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer."
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of
the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses
had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long
been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than meet the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I am not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
Lesson of the day..."DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!"
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been
reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European
communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phased
plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly,
sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be
replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters
kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like
"fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
silent 'e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru !
And there you have it, the masterplan.
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high caliber employee, the type which can not be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to
you earlier today.
*****Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.******
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out the back of the parish. He had a cock rooster
and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and he suspected cock
fights occurred in the village. He decided to do something about it at
church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the
men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that
doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All
the nuns stood up.
submitted by am
on 01/03/02
"Aussie Joke"
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands.
Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his
Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the
night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is
attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay Her $200 for the deed.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she
agrees. The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty
of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again
for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound - and it was fantastic
the night before - so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar.
But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner.Jill
is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention.
She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he
tells her Melbourne.
'So am I' she says.
'What suburb in Melbourne?'
'Glen Iris' he says.
'That's amazing' she says, 'so am I - what street?'
'Cameo street' he says.'
'This is unbelievable' she says, 'what number?'
He says 'Number 20' and she is astonished.
'You are not going to believe this' she says, 'I'm from number 22 and my
parents still live there!'
'I know' he says 'your father gave me $1,000 to give to you!'
He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!
submitted by am
on 28/02/02
"Confession of a catholic boy"
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone." He
gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
submitted by am
on 28/02/02
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The
little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".
submitted by am
on 28/02/02
A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.
You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which
was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever
cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a
month, and milk themselves efficiently.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
But you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and discover you have five cows. You count them
again and discover you have 42 cows. You count them again and
discover you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open
another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows.
None of them belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported
otherwise.
THE ENRON CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute
a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The
milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary
to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to
your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
submitted by am
on 28/02/02
What's the difference between Alex ferguson and a jet engine?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 12/02/02
What do you have when 100 Man Utd fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 12/02/02
How many Man United fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 12/02/02
What do Manchester United fans and sperm have in common?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 12/02/02
What could you use to brush your teeth, dry the dishes and polish your shoes?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 06/02/02
AND more...
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
submitted by pjf
on 05/02/02
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words .
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n.), A Jamaican proctologist.
[From news3ezusa.net/ntworthy.nwc]
submitted by pjf
on 05/02/02
What do you call a Frenchman with a potty on his head?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 04/02/02
How do you make a duck sing?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 04/02/02
Which king has had the most children?
submitted by anon
on 29/01/02
An angry wife met her husband at the door.There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume" she snarled "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six O' clock?"
"There is," he replied "breakfast."
submitted by Barney Booth
on 24/01/02
I got Stung by a bee on my way to school today
submitted by Jonnie V
on 23/01/02
To be said in a Tommy Cooper voice:
Two cannibals are eating a comedian.One said "does this taste funny to you?"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 10/01/02
Adrian Jessett, Tommo Moore & Fungus are riding in a car. Who's driving?
submitted by Andrew Murphy
on 07/01/02
a woman decides to treat herself to a facelift for her 50 th birthday. when she had it done vanity got the better of her so she decided to test the results. she walked up to a man on the street and asked how old he thought she was. he said about 35. she said actually i 'm 50. well you dont look it he said. Boosted by this she decided t o try it on a younger man and so tests the server in a mcdonalds restaurant. this young man said about 28. actually i'm 50 she says. well u don't look it said the youth. finally she gets on a bus and is sat with an elderly man. she cant resist and asks him the same question. well replied the man, my eyesight isn't what it used to be but there is an old indian method of discovering a womens age by fondling her erogenous zones. the womans vanity will not stop and so she agrees. 20 minutes later the elderly man pops up from beneath her dress and says youre 50! god she says thats brilliant! and you can tell that just from fondling can you?
submitted by billy brennan
on 07/01/02
A Finnish teacher, looking at gender in English, was alerted to the tradition of addressing ships as "she" and "her". She wondered which gender should be used to address computers. To answer that question, she set up two groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your cash on accessories for it.
submitted by Tony L
on 04/01/02
A lorry load of tortoises crashed into a train load of terrapins.
I thought, "That's a turtle disaster"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.
He's bi-satchel.
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
I rang up British Telecom to report a nuisance caller.
They said "Bloody Hell, not you again!"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
So this bloke comes up to me "Can I come in your house and talk about cleaning your carpets?"
I thought "That's all I bloody need;a Je-Hoover's Witness!"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?"
He said,"OK then" so I said "Nearest Bull starts"
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
What I really like to do more than anything else is trying to pack myself into a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris."
He said "Eurostar?"
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
A man is driving down a country lane at night, when his car breaks down.
He walks a few miles and comes across a remote farm house.
He knocks on the door and says to the farmer, "I've broken down a couple of miles down the road.Is it okay if I stay the night?"
"As long as you don't mind sharing a bed with my son" replies the farmer.
"Trust me to get in the wrong bloody joke" says the man.
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
Tori Spelling walked into a bar.
Asked the barman, "Why the long face?"
submitted by Phil Howells
on 02/02/02
A bear walks into a bar. The barman asks, "What will you have?"
The bear hesitates, ponders, thinks, considers and then finally says, "Y'know, I think I'll have a beer."
Replies the barman, "Why the big pause?"
submitted by Phil Howells
on 02/02/02
A horse goes into a pub.
The barman says, "Why the long face?"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub.
The barman says, "What's this, some kind of a joke?"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 03/01/02
Why can't you watch Coronation Street in Afghanistan?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 02/01/02
Two farmers were talking in a pub.One said to the other:-
"The strangest thing has happened to my cows in this cold snap.They've all frozen solid from head to toe"
His mate replied "Don't worry,I know the very person to help you out"
The next morning a little old lady with thick glasses and zimmer frame turns up at the first farmer's field.
Slowly she goes from cow to cow, whispering in their ears.
Miraculously, each one comes to life and starts walking around.
"That's absolutely incredible!" says the farmer "By the way, what's your name?"
"Thora Hird" came the reply
submitted by Barney Booth
on 02/01/02
Why can't Emu go fishing?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 02/01/02
An old lady was walking along the footpath when she came across a cub scout.
"Excuse me, Sonny, can you see me across the road?" she asked.
The cub runs across the road and shouts "Yes, I can see you!"
submitted by Barney Booth
on 02/01/02
Did you here about the St Augustine's teacher who thought that mange tout was the sequel to Mange One?
submitted by Barney Booth
on 02/01/02
What is a Chicken Tarka?
submitted by Johnny V
on 18/12/01
An anaesthetist is going on holiday. He settles down in his economy class seat ready for a much needed holiday. Several G+Ts later and he settles down to sleep the rest of the flight...
"Can I have your attention please.
If there is an anaesthetist on board the plane could they make themselves known to the cabin crew"
Anaesthetist: (thinks) "B%%^&* that. I'm off duty!"
...
"This is an important announcement:
Would any anaesthetist on board the plane PLEASE make themselves known to the cabin crew URGENTLY"
Anaesthetist relents and admits his profession to nearby cabin crew.
Cabin Crew:"Whew, thank goodness for that. You see there's a surgeon down in 1st class who needs his reading light adjusted."
submitted by PJF
on 18/12/01
What lies in a Vienna graveyard going "Dah da da da, Dah da da da"?
submitted by pjf
on 18/12/01